Vomit (Not What You Think!)

Today, in ACLS class, I learned something new. Well, a lot of somethings actually, but something that made me giggle, and actually is really helpful! When you see a heart patient, you VOMIT.

V-Vital Signs
O-Oxygen
M-Monitor
I-IV
T-Treat the Cause

Awesome, right?

Additionally, to help you with 2nd degree heart block: "Type 2, out of the blue, drops a Q."

And, and oldie but a goodie I was reminded of today: "Cold and clammy, give 'em candy. Hot and dry, sugar's high."

Also today, I was reminded why the saying goes, "Nurses eat their young." Thanks, there's a reason you're supposed to be in the recert class...

And finally, have you ever heard of a bumsicle?

Why You Should Always, ALWAYS Be Nice to Nurses...

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated, and assured him all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs of his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was, "Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it? ;)

PALS

Just for informational purposes, if you are doing to be taking PALS, review your EKG strips & patterns! Also, pediatric cardiac and respiratory assessment, and the emergency drugs. Also, get the book at least a week before the class... Might be helpful :)

You will not believe this...

So we're sitting in OB class today, discussing twins. A classmate asks, "Do they ever come out at the same time?"

Seriously.

What NOT to Chart

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records:
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. _____ to dispose of him.
*Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
*While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*Complains of feeling numb from her toes down.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*Rectal examination revealed a normal-sized thyroid.
*Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*Patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce.
*Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
*The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
*Fleets enema given with stool hard as pine knots.
*Patient complains of indigestion since last night when he ate a stake.
*Patient passed flatus...two short, one long.
*Patient was seen in consultation by the physician, who felt we should sit tight on the abdomen, and I agreed.
*Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
*Indwelling urinary catheter draining large amount of urine the color of American beer.
*MD at bedside attempted to urinate. Unsuccessful. [Intubation was unsuccessful.]
*Patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
*Patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
*Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
*Skin was moist and dry.
*Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
*The baby was delivered: the cord, clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician who breathed and cried immediately.
*Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
*I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
*Because she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you'd like to work her up.
*The tests indicated abnormal lover function.
*If the squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years, it comes and goes.
*Discharge status: alive, but without permission.
*Gave nurse 2 Percocet per patient request.

These Are the Days of Our Lives...

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. -Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. -Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart. -Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive." -Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." -Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." -Anonymous RN

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'" -Anonymous doctor

Welcome, Welcome

Today marks the initial post of our brand new nursing blog! Hopefully we will gain a few more team members, and have many stories of nursing and nursing school to share. Please feel free to share stories about your experiences. We love to laugh! Can't get enough crazy professor or intoxicated patient anecdotes...

This is our lovely school:

Don't be fooled by it's seemingly innocuous appearance. As you will come to find out, this here pile of bricks is frequently a torture chamber! :D